Only Hymns Upon Your Lips

So, I basically re-read my entire livejournal today, and I am shamed and embarassed about most of the contents (i.e. real life drama llama from so so long ago).

So I'm going to scrap this journal, and start a whole new one. Why the hell not? Reinvention, sort of, in a sense.

Bye bye! 

to satiate my own curious needs.Poll #1420579 Just Wondering...
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 3

Does anyone even READ this journal?

LIFE UPDATE:

I am babysitting a charming five-year-old, who just approached me with a pokemon card (CHARMANDER, to be exact) and prompty threw it in my face whilst declaring; "I JUST KILLED YOU WITH FIRE."

Her green plastic watering-can
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth that she bought
From a rubber man in a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself, it wears her out

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns
He used to do surgery for girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins and it wears him out

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love

But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And it wears me out

If I could be who you wanted all the time...
If I could be who you wanted all the time...

So... "Into the Woods" is long since over, and I miss it all the time. The performances went wonderfully, and we all became such a close-knit family. We've all done a fairly good job of keeping close now that it's over, too. We all truly loved one another, and we all truly miss one another now - which is why Meghan has agreed to direct a third show. She and Mr. Trombley are on board for it, it all comes down to whether or not our principal will let us - but I think he will. We would be doing "Godspell" - I'm a little iffy about this, if only because I'm not at all a religious person, and the majority of this show is heavily based in religion. But, I do really like the music, and I really love everyone involved in theatre, so I would do anything. Meghan said it would essentially be the senior show; so the seven seniors who were in 'Into the Woods' would audition first, and be given parts, and from there she would move on to the under-classmen, and cast whoever she still needed. I am very excited!

Prom is next Friday. I'm going with my friend Zach, we're going as friends. He has shaped up to be the most on-task prom date I've ever had, I must say! He's very on top of things, and he has really made it a priority to make sure everything is the way I would like it, and he's being very considerate and putting my needs ahead of his to ensure I have a great prom. I definitely made the right choice in prom date! :) It is way less stressful to go to prom with a friend than it was to go with a boyfriend... compared to prom-prep my sophomore and junior year, this is a breeze. 

I've made the decision to go to Salem State College next year... I'm relieved to know where I'm going; although I don't know how I feel about the school itself. At the very least, Maryanne and I are going together, so I'll be with my best friend. We haven't discussed our living arrangements yet, or whether or not we want to room together. I guess we'll deal with that when the time comes to choose.

Senior year is coming to a rapid end, and I am finally feeling like I am ready to graduate. I figured I would feel better once I knew where I was going; and I really do. Now that I know I have a future somewhere, I feel okay about leaving high school. Granted, I might get scared again when September comes closer, but right now I'm just ready to graduate and get to summer! I try not to over-think it too much, though; because when I do, I start to get a little frightened again. Right now, I'm just thoroughly enjoying my senior status, and taking as much advantage of it as I possible can; reaping ever benefit I can find.

That's essentially everything that's happened with me lately. I would like to have a little summer romance - just someone to have a little fun with - but I'm not actively pursuing one. There's not even any realistic prospects, really, it's just something that I would like to happen - but I definitely have no real need for it at this point.

I guess that's it for now - I'm out. Lots of love.

Oh - and relocation proclamation! I'll definitely still stick around here, but I made myself a tumblr! www.grachehache.tumblr.com

Oh, oh, oh. Tomorrow begins tech week for our production of "Into the Woods"... and I'm having such mixed feelings about everything. Yesterday was our last real rehearsal, which is mind-blowing and frightening. We did really well, but it was just so surreal... afterwards, a few of us (especially us seniors) hung around afterwards because we didn't want to leave our "last saturday rehearsal".

We're so ready for this show, but I'm so scared and so sad about it ending so soon. I feel like we've all become so close, and we're all such genuine, good friends - and I know that once this is over, it won't be the same anymore, because it's never the same. And I don't want to let these people go, I don't want to let this show go, I don't want to let anything go.

I'm not ready.

It's like I'm standing on a platform and it just ends. And I have to jump to reach the next one - but it's too far away, I can't see it, I don't know what it holds or where it is. And everyone is telling me to jump anyway, everyone is pushing to jump anyone - but I won't. I can't.

I'm really, really not ready.

I love these people too much. I care about these people too much to lose them. Please don't make me go.

:(

I am happy and smiling and glad all the time lately! I love rehearsal. I feel like new life has been breathed into my veins with every new show - everyone is so wonderful, and we all get along so well, and we're all working so hard... I love it.

:)

So, the school musical this year is "Into the Woods"... and I got the Baker's Wife! It's the lead role of the show (The Baker, Baker's Wife, and the Witch are the three leads), so I'm so excited. When I saw the cast list, I very nearly cried, and I jumped into my friend Phil's arms when he went to hug me. It was so wonderful, because after call-backs, my director pulled me aside and said to me;

"I just want to thank you for having such a wonderful, beautiful voice. It's so perfect for this show. And I am so happy that you're going to be doing this for your life, because it's just what you are meant to do. I can see you playing any of the leads, and I just want you to know that I think you are extrodinarily talented."

So, it has been a wonderful week for me. This friday I have an audition at University of Southern Maine, which is very nerve-wracking. Honestly, I'm very apprehensive about so many college-related things. I'm so scared I won't get in anywhere good. And I'm scared I'll be rejected from Southern Maine and Plymouth and Hofstra, and that I'll have to go to either Salem or Bridgewater - if I get in to either of those places, that is, because I don't know that I will. We'll see what happens... but every aspect of college scares me right now, and it makes me nervous that all my friends are being accepted, and I'm so genuinely afraid that I'm not going to get anywhere.

So, I've been very mix-matched with my emotions lately, haha. I'm so excited about this whole show, and I think we will find a way to make it wonderful. I know a lot of people are doubtful that a high school can pull off "Into the Woods"... but I have faith that we'll find a way to do this.

i am angry and sad all the time lately.

Monday: Kelly, Casey, and Sami are coming over to bake Christmas Cookies, watch Elf, and jam to Christmas Tunes together.

Tuesday: Quinn and Cynthia are coming over, for an epic present-exchange party.

Christmas Eve: shall be spent with my Dad's side of the family.

Christmas Day: will be spent with my mother's side of the family, complete with Chinese Food at my grandmother's nursing home.

Friday-Sunday: I'll most likely be at Donna-Jean's house. Yay!

Monday-Thursday:  I will be at Maryanne's house, hunting ghosts, celebrating new years, and all of that good stuff.
 

hopefully today, i can do the rest of my christmas shopping--i just have to finish up a few little things, then i'll be good to go... but this snow just will not stop falling, so we'll see how that winds up.

through the shifting colors in the sky
i heard the wild geese call.
and the liwas bright and clear and cold
over eastern montreal
and although, i know
you're only toying with me now,
and although, i know
you hold your affection for me like a bone on a string
i love you, i love you because
you gave me sausage and cheese when i was hungry.

you hold your closed hand out to me
and you told me to guess what you had inside
and i had a thousand guesses and some of them were good
but i knew for some reason that i was losing my mind
when the scent came rising
through the spaces between your fingers
when the scent called to me
and i knew we'd last at least until the end of december
i love you, i love you because
you gave me sausage and cheese when i was hungry

so, the lovely donna-jean gave me a ring earlier tonight, and we talked for an hour and a half. she was so sweet and wonderful, i missed her tons. we're trying to work out something for christmas vacation.

it was so fun, because about twenty minutes into the conversation, she just starts going on and on about her friend Beth's son, and how "perfect" we would be, and it is now like, her life mission to set up this boy and i on a date. or to at least meet each other, because she thinks at the very least, we'd make good friends.

i've missed donna jean. she's just the right amount of eccentric. she's glorious.

thanksgiving with the maryanne-clan was great, as always. too bad mac is never able to come up with donald for that, he's always great fun to be around. unfortunately i probably won't be seeing him until this summer, so... that's horribly unfortunate. but, at least maryanne and i got tons of talks in, as did donald and i.

life is... mostly good. i'd rank it at 80%.
 

matt and i broke up -- for real, this time, heh. i am a little angry with him and not very sad at the present moment; mostly just indifferent. i do not miss him, but rather miss a person, and even then, i feel like i am handling it all decently well. let's hope it stays this way and just improves. here we go.

so i've gotten sick, and the show opens a week from tomorrow. ahh! so i'm taking sudafed and nyquil and popping cough drops/throat losenges like pills.

i hope this means that if i'm sick now, it'll pass by next friday; that's all. let's just get the illness out of the way NOW... heh.

 

hope this is a quick one.

 

And where can I go that your pictures won't haunt me?

what the eff what the eff what the eff what the eff.


maryannnnnnne.

My mother was diagnosed with cancer on April 1^st, 2000. I was nine.

She went into remission late 2001/early 2002. I was ten.

In July of 2002 the cancer returned. I was eleven.

On February 25^th, 2004; she passed away. I was thirteen.

Today in rehearsal, we learned that Mrs. Julia Gibbs is clearly a child-beater. In a scene where Kevin and I, as George and Mrs. Gibbs, are talking about his impending wedding, I slap him across the face. You see, he says; "I just want to be a fella-" and I slap him soundly across the face and tell him to suck it the frick-frack up, goddammit, no son of mine is going to be a god-damn 'fella'! Don't think I don't know what that means, young man!

And earlier in the show, I shout up to the children; "I'll come up an' slap the both of you, that's what I'll do!" CLEARLY indicating that Mrs. Gibbs routinely beats her children. Obviously they cower in fear of her existence. Her sorry, wood-chopping, bean-collecting, french-toast-making, choir-singing existence.

It's very scary. She'll put the hurt on you.

what if when you die, your thoughts just stop? logically, they must--at least your human, earthly thoughts must stop, right? but then, souls and spirits; and... it just scares me. i was thinking about that in school today--about when you die, you litterally stop existing. all your thoughts are gone.

on the opposite end of the spectrum, if you go to heaven or what-have-you; are you there for eternity? do you literally spend the rest of forever in heaven? are you the age you died at; a subconcious decision to revert to an age before that? is it a choice? is there even such a thing as eternity in heaven? does time even exist?

when i die, will these questions even matter? will i even remember that i once wondered or worried about this at all? 

to die isn't what scares me, it's what comes after that, and what happens when i am left behind and others are moving on. or perhaps i am moving on and others are left behind. i suppose it's all relative. when someone dies, i feel that they've left me--but when i die, i think i will view that as staying very still; and that they have left me behind to live.

my head is full of complexities. it's nerve-wracking and troublesome.

How will I change the world?

At the very least, how will I try?